Choosing a path

“Choosing a path meant having to miss out on others. She had a whole life to live, and she was always thinking that, in the future, she might regret the choices she made now. “I’m afraid of committing myself,” she thought to herself. She wanted to follow all possible paths and so ended up following none. Even in that most important area of her life, love, she had failed to commit herself. After her first romantic disappointment, she had never again given herself entirely. She feared pain, loss, and separation. These things were inevitable on the path to love, and the only way of avoiding them was by deciding not to take that path at all. In order not to suffer, you had to renounce love. It was like putting out your own eyes not to see the bad things in life.” Paulo Coelho

Les vieilles douleurs remontent souvent à la surface. Et alors que mes paupières deviennent lourdes, si lourdes, presque autant que mon coeur, mon cerveau, lui, court à 100 à l’heure. Je n’en pouvais plus de vivre étouffée par sa mauvaise humeur hebdomadaire. Je ne pouvais cependant croire que ce soit la fin. J’aurais tant souhaité qu’il s’ouvre, qu’il s’engage. Des rêves de petite fille, qui n’arriveraient jamais. Alors je me suis résolue. Et j’ai marché sur un chemin, pas celui que j’avais décidé, mais celui qui me rassurait, ou à tout le moins, celui qui me permettait d’oublier la chaleur de ses bras, et les étincelles, que je voyais jadis dans ses yeux.